I am in year 2 of motherhood. Two and a half years to be exact. I wasn’t quite sure that I was cut out for motherhood in the beginning. I went through the post partum blues, the missing identity syndrome, the feeling sorry for myself because I gave up MY self drama, and have recently realized that I am smitten with this little guy. I never realized I could be where I am today and truly be happy. Where I am is…home.
In my early twenties, the idea of being a stay at home mother was quite unappealing. I couldn’t even visualize my life with children in it at the time. No, I was going to climb the corporate ladder, wear heels and smart glasses, sip wine and just be…so intelligent. Well, I consider myself intelligent (most days), but I never quite made it far up that ladder and I occasionally sip wine, and I certainly do not wear heels anymore, lest I trip over my diaper bag and fall flat on my face. No, I wear capris and t-shirts, keep my hair pulled back, and spend hours a day sitting on the floor playing cars, making crafts, and pretending to be silly characters that make my son giggle. And…I have to say, I love it, but mainly because I love him.
It has been a journey to get here. I wasn’t sure in the beginning that I could be a full time mom and really be happy with my life. I wasn’t sure that I had made the right decision to start a family. I was unsure of so many things and doubted my ability to be who I thought I needed to be. But, the more I got to know Matthew, the more he grew on me. The more he grew on me, the more I loved him. Now, two years later, I can honestly say that Matthew was more of a gift to me than I ever knew. He has changed me and for the better. He has left very little room for all the selfish parts of me to thrive, and replaced those areas with love and a desire to give. He has changed our home from just a place we rest to a place we learn, grow, and experience. He has brought us joy and has made us a family.
I think back to the nights I prayed to God telling Him that I needed strength to make it through the sleepless nights and frazzled days of the that first year. I told God I had faith that He wouldn’t have brought Matthew to us if He knew I couldn’t handle being his mother. I prayed and stuck it out. God knew what we now know…our son would make us feel blessed.
